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[crunchlord]

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[BeN1]

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[Redbeck]

Comrade crunchlord, I am sorry I missed this, as BeN1 says there are a number of friends who use the website and the forum as a sounding board, who I believe are suffering from depression driven by self esteem and self worth doubts. Point number one, never apologise for putting your state of mind into the written word it is both cathartic for you and the ability to honestly express your feelings show's that you already possess strong values that you feel at risk.

I have spent the last 18 years sober, but up to that point was a practising alcoholic who also took drugs on the side and addicted to both, alcohol being ultimately one of the worst depressants, once the initial euphoria wears off. No job, no family and only fairweather friends, who'd share your bottle and your fix. Above all once I'd eventually recovered from the physical side effects, I found constant creative productivity helped me overcome the clouds of depression that descended with the knowledge that my false escape mechanism and substance safety net was gone. Playing musical instruments or learning new instruments, sketching, wood carving, stone painting, writing poetry, short stories.. a play synopsis, any of which everybody can at least have a go at, slowly helped restore some personal value. Keeping busy with meaningful activity cleanses the mind of negativity and any progress becomes an enchanting achievement, which means a lift in spirits. Then couple this elevation of the spirit with meditation [I learned to meditate Maharishi Yogi transcendental style many years ago, even paid to do so but abandoned this beneficial practice for dark rum and drugs] only to realise how much less temperamental and beneath a dark cloud I felt when I was using it to relieve stress bubbles.

Also if you have any kind of faith, probably long since abandoned you should revisit it, because for sure there is a higher power than you pulling your puppetry strings, it may not be god in a totally religious sense, but trust me there is a life guidance phenomenon beyond the veil. Do good things, help other people every day, even if it is by spending the time to stop and talk to them to dispel loneliness, it means you are not dwelling on your own problems. There is always someone in a worse position than you for a diverse variety of reasons.

Regards and healing thoughts Redbeck.

[Sh3rl0ck]

Crunchlord,

As you probably have read, Redbeck stated that you aren't the only one on this forum that has posted about personal emotions. I think that Redbeck had been talking about me, and a few others like BeN1. So don't ever feel like you are alone on this forum in terms of personal sharing.

Of course no one can fully empathize or sympathize with a particular individual. There is no rank of how bad we are going through something, but it's about what we are going through. And each and every one of us is going through something different in many different ways. So going back to what I said, thus no one can ever really be in someones shoes and fully grasp that feeling that they are going through. But what we can do is listen. I've noticed that people just want someone to listen. We can share, vent, and listen. I tend to notice that we don't want advice, we just want someone there to listen and vent. I personally have severe depression, and there isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of ending my life. Because of all of life difficulties, it's almost impossible to carry on. My father was never close to me, so I've never had a fatherly figure as we would always argue. I felt like I was always disappointing my mother, and never did anything good for. My friends all eventually left, and I was left alone. The girl of my dreams whom I thought was everything to me, cheated on me. I've lost divine connection with a higher power, and decided to hate the name of God because of the gruesome image my father gave on strict religion. So I felt like I had no higher power to look up too. I was a failure to the eyes of most, and I never really did anything good. All this drove me to drinking at a young age, and thinking of suicide. Eventually I just became the worst man I could be. I pushed people away from my life, became a bitter and arrogant man, and studied for the rest of my life. I became very intelligent and smart, I mastered the science of deduction and even made theoretical equations on time travel. It made me feel good, but then I realized, what have I become? I may have done all this, but who am I to share it with? I never finished anything?
And those thoughts actually killed me even more. And look I don't want to talk about my life so much, because it hurts, but what kept me alive, I don't know. Call it a divine power, God, self conscious, I don't know. But something is constantly pulling me back from ending it all. But I will not lie, I have seen days so dark that I haven't even wanted to get out of bed.

You know, people always say that life is hard. True, it is. But time is running fast, and it calms you to know that it won't last. It's easy to say that it'll all be ok, but that's the way it goes. And it hurts to be all on your own, but you'll just have to wait. Torn, and lost once again, you start to believe it won't end. And still you're alone, with that constant fear of being forever unknown. You cannot understand why you're always the one that gets hurt. And life is unfair but it pulls you back when you are almost gone. But just remember, to slow down. Just slow down.

As an update on life, I feel. . . different. This year has had many changes. One of which was joining the 973 eht namuh forum. I had found my place for shared knowledge and had made friends who changed the way I viewed things. BeN1 was dear friend that looked out for me, and Redbeck was the wise man anyone could get insight from. Dave Denison opened many dimensions in life to greater understanding, which made me feel less alone. I've finally come out of my shell and started to make friends once again. I've settled with past memories and try to forget, even though we all know it's quite impossible. New beginnings meant new opportunities and life choices. But even though life is better than it was before, nothing ever truly leaves. Depression constantly hits, and memories come back to haunt. And just recently I saw the girl whom I've talked about, and she wants to talk to me again, but I'm worried that things will just go back to when they started. I don't want her body, but I hate to think about her with somebody else. So once again life is attacking us people who have troubles with it the most.

Bu you want to know something? I feel better when I think about how different we are. Not just because I am a misfit introvert. But because all of us here on the forum, we think. And I don't mean intelligence Einstein smart, I mean that we question the universe. We are constantly here on this journey on the mystery of life. And you don't have to be the smartest man on earth to understand the universe. As long as you can question things, you are already smarter than half the earth.
And in conclusion. We are here, to listen if you need to talk. We have all had some kind of experience in life. But a good example can be Redbeck. He has gone through a lot, but look at his place in life now. We look up to him for insight and wise info and knowledge. I know that BeN1 had a recent, and very tragic loss. We talk on PMs to see how each other is doing. So yeah we're here.

And you know what? Even if everything is falling apart, just know this: If you just listen to yourself, you'll never be wrong, because you are you, and thats all you'll ever need.

[Sh3rl0ck]

Also, apologies for the many grammar and spelling errors. I tend to write very fast when I am talking about an important topic.

And once again, I hope all is well.

Best of regards,

Sh3rl0ck

[BeN1]

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[crunchlord]

thank you all for the kind messages. i think i am feeling somewhat better, but i can never be sure.

c
l
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[IoBoI]

This was very relieving