Untitled

[Nazheek]

It is an immense frustration in which I write the following, I suppose, diatribe. A certain sort of imposter-syndrome follows the realization that I have wandered in and out of this place for 5 years now; and I'll be 21 come August. The better part of my teenage years was spent here, and despite the time, and the effort of my most formative years, I have come away knowing absolutely no more than I came in. It's the grating realization that I am, in fact, an idiot, that has caused so much exasperation these past couple days that has absolutely paralyzed my academic pursuits.

I know nothing. I know-nothing. If it is the Dharma for fire to burn, and for alcohol to intoxicate, then it seems to be mine to flounder like a moron and come out no wiser for it. What in hell am I doing here, anyways?

As many times as I comb through the site I still find yet so little that I'm able to completely digest or understand beyond the most basic conceptual levels, and even then, I should think that there is just something so fundamentally wrong with my cognition that I just do not understand, regardless of my own application.

I go back sometimes and see some of my earlier posts and I just can't understand what in the world I was talking about. It is embarrassingly moronic. That thread I have some 13 posts in on my profile, probably the worst I've me. If I could I'd scrub it completely clean. Erase it, utterly. I don't want that associated with me. I don't want any of my non-additions to be associated with me. Just a bunch of untruths and boisterings.

And then I go and look at the contributions of people who actually happen to know what they're talking about, and I grow even more upset with myself.

I just don't get it. I ought to just start over. Clean slate. Stop thinking or knowing about anything, or feigning to, and go back to it at the most elementary level. Relearn the fundamentals. Start to read as voraciously as I did when I was younger. I think that I just need to alter myself.

I remember talking to a fellow I met, a Buddhist monk living in what I suppose is a monastery or a temple of sorts (ironically right next to a bar), about suicide, something I've had trouble with for years now. He had said that if it was so important to someone, then they ought to kill their self, as opposed to themselves. If it is your identity that causes so much conflict, then end it. Find a new one, or don't, live without your ego, who cares?

[Nazheek]

you're only 21? you're quite eloquent for a person of such a young age.

Going on 21 come the summer, but yes. I don't know about that anyways, I always fathomed myself as somewhat of a learned idiot with a thesaurus, hahaha.

[Lannix]

.......................

[whereyousleep]

you are not an idiot.

I've lost people in my life before. and ive had suicidal thoughts that nearly became actions, i can tell you now that people do care about you.

I care, too. Yes, even without really knowing you, i don't want you to harm yourself, I wish for you to be happy with being alive. I hope that someday you find being alive is an ineffably magical thing. The pain can go away, with you still here, grateful to witness life.

Maybe this place doesn't have any meaning, maybe it's mindless drivel. Maybe you can transcribe your own meaning from it, and at times, perhaps you just can't.

I love this website, David Denison is my favorite visual artist, I like scowering through the gallery precisely because his art depicts something indescribable, alien to the eye, and yet there are pieces that are familiar: a drum, a woman, a baby, an eyeball? Kaleidoscopic. Nobody could possibly understand his full intentions behind each piece of art, only he may truly know. art is beautiful to me, because there is a fragment of the artist there in the strokes on canvas, or in the musical swell, or the curves and dimples of the sculpture, whatever it is; it's a piece of them, and every person on Earth can interpret it however they like. The artist's intention is there, the artist's feelings and stories are there, but it's ultimately up to us to the viewer to derive their own meanings and emotions from it. In the same way that you might feel differently about a song one day or another, that meaning or emotion is volatile, subject to change, just like everything else in the universe. So enjoy what you do interpret, see how it picks your brain, and don't be too hard on yourself if you don't understand something. after all, when it comes down to it, most of the nature of reality is misunderstood, or attempted to be described by conjectures which morph drastically every century, every decade, every day.

Dont be too hard on yourself

[Auriorusiana]

The good always came from peace of mind, piece of the divine. Feels ironic that’s the answer but maybe I only feel that way bc I’m an idiot too, a fool even, a wise man uses the fool tool.

As countless expectations experiences paths and characters to play there are made and ready for you, really the greatest and Holy paths are followed with original peace, and being absorbed in an art or craft movie or loved one, as aware as a coyote in the desert, as fearful of fear and loving of love, in turn they become the same. We all know how bad and good it can be and why those words blur bc the original Word was just to chill and observe, there’s simply not always something to learn or the hidden secret to anything, really that is the nature of a secret is something the Whole forgets and why abrahamic faiths are abt the smoke and mirror process of one forgetting and remembering thyself, and it’s quite simple.

There would be no need for a higher power becoming it, being it means you wrote the script, not personally per se but just as much, imagine all the potholes everyone has ever been through, humanity shouldn’t even exist yet it does, the very reflection of the whole one in infinite chance we exist rouses more fear from the mind. What’s really out there? Anything you can imagine bc that’s how it is, concepts become reality, overworking, feverish itch that culls us to rabbit whole is how some do not respect the human, and I see that standpoint, we’ve inefficiently spent so many years victims of our own box and therefore equally responsible for any wrong doings done to us, bc it can be argued we always did it.

This recollection really does hurt, from the standpoint of remembering yourself after so long dazed, every emotion of pride fundamental chaotic suffering and embarrassment is felt in a recalibration guided by something higher, or by complete accident, all that’s certain that if we really were incapable of the greatest good, so many higher powers wouldn’t put their faith in us as much as we can/could/won’t put their faith in them.

A father doesn’t need the son, the son needs the father, this relationship is back and forth therefore polarity is One, and there’s countless ways to misinterpret this. Since light needs space to inhabit, there will always be “more” darkness/a fundamental check and balance system.

If something is wrong, arguably it’s all our fault and always has been even listening to that message alone is enough to change the world, yet application is required, if you love a friend or spouse you do not speak of glory and never deliver even though we speak of eternity and feeling it from birth, everyone collectively understands in every way that ppl end up trying to do good from hearing therefore speaking the gospel, just afterwards of speaking truth you may find yourself with the inability to follow through and that is why Christ always existed as the message before incarnate.

Being absolved of sin after being born in this world and reflecting on all the pain and suffering here and heading the call to walk the path to perseve/bring back/go to eternity. No matter what people try to label you as, as much as they will fear what they don’t understand as we all once feared the Lord and walking a righteous path, now simply put you have experience and the ability to fluently learn nearly all things being the ass we are, all we can do is get better vs being fixed in cardinal positions who cannot do wrong and that is their argument of the interiority of the human who is alleged to match the Creator.

The human is the prima materia, every sin everyone every could possibly be or make be is known and can be studied/predicted however what is less known is our route to success using the fire of those trying to label us/we trying to label ourselves. Sure we know how all the elements function and work but make that thing conscious? All of a sudden we would see all the variable perplexities a person can branch off and become, whether it be good or bad.

One thing I can say is that as much tough work as it is, a true Lord isn’t going to force your suffering simply ask to share the weight, Even a hypothetical Creator longs for family so when looking under the lense that One truly exists, every delusion or paranoid thought you have is simply chaos unmanifest meaning Murphy’s law is essentially shrodingers cat, now logically speaking there’s more ways for everything to go wrong than what we latently consider right, that alone that we have concepts of good and evil that are meant to be followed while respecting what each are and the ability to see that in yourself and everything logically doesn’t make sense unless we truly are of a higher power.

You’ll never be made to do anything, just as much as One may want family and collective peace the heart in the right place makes manifest, just equally as you can harden your heart to kill your brother or yourself, and how we are always constantly drawn in both directions.

My personal idea? The people who do things in this world or either die hard sinners, much to learn there, or cemented good, truly the human condition is in a perpetual state of being rocked back and forth until peace is attained then may man do war not out of delusional necessity but for art. We are all much more terrible and Holy than we even ourselves can hardly conceive, to be Christ is to bridge the Satan reflection of Lord, if Christ’s coming sent earthquakes in hell in Dante’s inferno and left giant crevices, likely either him or the antichrist will be tasked with building bridges/guiding. At that point the bridge builder would be the glue that holds everyone’s shit together and is required by both heaven and hell to simply exist. You may think a serial killer might want to kill a doctor bc they have a conflict of interests and intentions however if both talked to each other long enough in tandem with the Lord, then truly either miracles would happen or we would get the entertainment industries putrid corpses that rots all near